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EP036 – Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

Highlights from Episode 36:

  • This movie was so much dumb fun. Mostly dumb.
  • We are joined by Donna who, being a Jeremy Renner fan, actually saw this movie in the theater.
  • We all appreciate the high production quality of the movie, use of awesome production design, practical effects, creature design, and on-location shoots, which is why we were puzzled by the choice to make the witch’s gingerbread house look like a giant candy butthole.
  • Dave spends a little too much time talking about historical context for a movie that features head-stomping trolls and an automatic crossbow.
  • Evidently the moral of the original Grimm’s Hansel and Gretel story is “Don’t trust your parents because they’ll feed you to a cannibal in the woods.”
  • We somehow suspend disbelief enough to allow for a collapsible spring-loaded shotgun shooting bullets that split into smaller bullets, but not enough to allow for the use of insulin shots 80 years before it was used medically.
  • The movie’s ending implies the possibility of a sequel. With the ending of the current Avenger’s arc, Jeremy Renner’s availability might be open…? Do we want this?

Beers

  • The cast enjoyed a few tasty beverages. Pete’s earnest attempt to describe one beer goes sideways, as apparently he can’t say “billowing in your mouth, coating everything” without us giggling like idiots.

Six Pack Rating

  • Pete: 3
  • Kathleen: 3
  • Troy: 2
  • Donna: 0
  • Dave: 1
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP036 – Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
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EP035 – Krull (1983)

Krull movie poster

A movie with Robbie Coltrane, Liam Neeson, and a golden, five-pointed, razor-tipped boomerang of awesomeness still managed to suck.

Highlights from Episode 35:

  • Dave not only monumentally flubs the synopsis, but manages to go 41 seconds over the allotted six minute time limit. Consequently he was forced to sing a rather undignified song, much to the delight of Pete and Troy.
  • Due to losing his voice during some kind of boating mishap, Pete is unable to speak above a hoarse whisper, much to the relief disappointment of the rest of the cast.
  • Dave attempts to kill the rest of the cast with high-octane beers acquired from our friends at Perfect Pour Craft Beer & Beverage:
  • So far the best description of Krull is “Where Star Wars and Lord of the Rings had a baby.”
  • Fond childhood memories do not a good movie make, as Dave discovered much to his disappointment.
  • We’re promised awesome magical flying razor boomerang fighting. The payoff is… disappointing.
  • Moral of the story: If you’re prone to getting into bad situations, a cyclops friend will help you until he’s slowly crushed by a stone door.
  • Six pack rating:
    • Troy: 2
    • Pete: 5
    • Dave: 1
    • Kathleen: 3
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP035 – Krull (1983)
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EP034 – The Guyver (1991)

The Guyver movie poster

Highlights from Episode 34:

  • This movie would have been a lot more fun if we were either six years old or kind of drunk. Well, we’re not six so drunk it is!
  • The cast enjoyed three beers from Mantra Artisan Ales, courtesy of our friend Rod Barnett from NaschyCast and the Bloody Pit:
    • Amour Rouge: a Flanders-style sour red ale at 6.2% ABV (stupid sexy Flanders…)
    • Nouveau: a Belgian-style dubbel ale at 7.5% ABV
    • Japa: a Milk chai stout at 5.1% ABV. The bottle says “drink this beer fresh,” which we did not. (Sorry, Rod.)
  • An American live-action movie adaptation of the Japanese anime/comic title The Guyver: Biobooster Armor, we suspect the filmmakers understood neither original material nor American audiences. Or they didn’t care, and just wanted to use this crappy film as a vehicle to showcase their (admittedly impressive) creature effects.
  • Despite appearing prominently on the movie poster, Mark Hamill does not play The Guyver. If you can’t trust a movie poster of alive-action adaptation of an animated feature based on a comic book, what can you trust?
  • Kathleen recalls the good old college days when she used to hang out with a bunch of ridiculous boys. Evidently times have not changed.
  • All situations are improved by shouting “GUYVER! BIO BOOSTER ARMOR!” randomly and without warning.
  • Dave went through a phase in college when he would shout everything he was doing as though it were an anime-style special attack.
  • We geek out briefly at the appearance of horror movie stars Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes), David Gale, and Jeffrey Combs (both from The Reanimator).
  • Jimmie Walker appears as one of the villains. Hey, Jimmie’s gotta eat too.
  • This movie begins somewhat ominously dark, then ends as full-on Looney Tunes.
  • Did we need monster boobs?
  • Six Pack Ratings:
    • Kathleen: 3
    • Troy: 3
    • Pete: 3
    • Dave: 3

Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP034 - The Guyver (1991)
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Posted on

Choose the movie for March yet again!

Letting our sadistic listeners choose our movie has become something of a March tradition here at Good Beer Bad Movie Night. This year’s options were carefully selected to ensure groan-worthy fun without sending Kathleen into an apoplectic rage.

The Choices

Johnny Mnemonic (1995)

Johnny Mnemonic movie poster

Plot: A data courier, literally carrying a data package inside his head, must deliver it before he dies from the burden or is killed by the Yakuza.

Ever see Henry Rollins fight Dolph Lundgren? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA!

View on IMDB

Krull (1983)

Krull movie poster

Plot: A prince and a fellowship of companions set out to rescue his bride from a fortress of alien invaders who have arrived on their home planet.

Before Liam Neeson made a career rescuing people—oh wait.

View on IMDB

Clash of the Titans (2010)

Clash of the Titans movie poster

Plot: Perseus demigod, son of Zeus, battles the minions of the underworld to stop them from conquering heaven and earth.

Remember when the world was clamoring for a remake of Clash of the Titans? Yeah, us either.

View on IMDB

Judge Dredd (1995)

Judge Dredd movie poster

Plot: In a dystopian future, Joseph Dredd, the most famous Judge (a police officer with instant field judiciary powers), is convicted for a crime he did not commit and must face his murderous counterpart.

Oh Diane Lane. Soooo hot…

View on IMDB

Got it?

Now select the movie below. Voting closes 2/7/2020.

DO IT! DO IT NAAAUUUGH!

EP033 – FDR: American Badass! (2012)

FDR American Badass movie poster

Highlights from Episode 33:

  • Special Guest Host and historian Jen cheerfully returns to torment us with this wretched cinematic outrage.
  • To anaesthetize ourselves, Jen also provided two very strong beer selections:
  • Pete is absolutely thrilled with this month’s movie selection. Kathleen however, may struggle to speak to Jen in a civil tone for a while.
  • Released the same year, this movie clearly hoped to capitalize on the marketing campaign behind Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
  • Jen offers her historical expertise, helpfully pointing out a few historical inaccuracies. You know, in case we doubted the veracity of Roosevelt storming the beach at Normandy in a rocket-launching wheelchair to fight polio-spreading Nazi werewolves.
  • We were unable to confirm whether Winston Churchill referred to the Irish as “potato fuckers,” if Mussolini was planning to open a chain of Olive Gardens, or if James Roosevelt shat in a flower vase after his father won the 1932 presidential election.
  • We did learn James Roosevelt may not have actually taken a celebratory shit in a flower vase upon his father’s 1932 presidential victory. (It was this scene when Kathleen began levitating on pure rage at having to watch the movie.)
  • Kathleen’s notes consisted of variations on “I hate this fucking movie” over and over again.
  • Is it historically respectable to refer to George Washington as G-Dubs?
  • Jen, who hates the taste of alcohol, agrees to sample a beer. It goes about as well as expected.
  • Speaking of alcohol, high ABV beers + rage drinking = Kathleen hilarity.
  • Did you know there’s an academic conference dedicated to popular culture where professors and grad students gather and dork out? We didn’t! Please visit the The Popular Culture Association website for more details!
  • Six Pack Ratings:
    • Jen: 0
    • Troy: 5
    • Pete: 1
    • Kathleen: 5
    • Dave: 5

Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP033 – FDR: American Badass! (2012)
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EP032 – Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever (2014)

Highlights from Episode 32:

  • We’re joined by a few special guests
    • Donna returns for the third holiday season in a row, continuing her tradition of avoiding us the other 11 months of the year.
    • Katie, our resident Hallmark/Lifetime Christmas movie expert, explains the general themes and common tropes of the genre. None of this however explains why she likes these movies.
    • Troy and Kathleen’s daughter Millie, in her exciting podcast debut, provides her adorable and impossibly energetic review.
  • Instead of beer, the cast enjoys warm seasonal drinks with mulled beer and wassail. Actually both had beer in them, so I guess we did have beer. Whatever, I’m tired.
  • The tradition of singing Christmas carols in exchange for booze should be much more popular– like Halloween with booze.
  • Aubrey Plaza as the voice of Grumpy Cat is perfect.
  • If Grumpy Cat says her own movie is terrible, is it still allowed to be terrible?
  • The movie is stiff with meta-jokes, which is fortunate as Troy never meta-joke he didn’t like! (groan)
  • No discussion of mall elf culture is complete without at least one reference to David Sedaris’ Holidays on Ice.
  • Grumpy Cat (AKA Tardar Sauce) is so stinking cute. We may have rated the movie higher if it was just 87 minutes of her sleeping.
  • Speaking of ratings:
    • Donna: 3
    • Katie: 4
    • Kathleen: 3
    • Troy: 2
    • Pete: 3
    • Dave: 2

Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP032 – Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever (2014)
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EP031 – Bordello of Blood (1996)

Highlights from Episode 31:

  • One may accurately determine the amount of gratuitous female nudity a movie contains based upon Kathleen’s level of annoyance. For example, Kathleen said the word “stupid” no fewer than 8 times within the first two minutes.
  • Pete needs ten minutes to give the six minute synopsis, so either Pete can’t count or we need to rename the six minute synopsis.
  • We sample some wonderful (and much needed) beers from our generous friends at Wolf’s Ridge Brewing, including:
    • Snow Cone Extra Pale Ale
    • Daybreak Coffee Vanilla Cream Ale
  • This movie was to be the second part of a Tales from the Crypt movie trilogy, and was apparently bad enough to more or less end the franchise.
  • If you feel like there aren’t enough movies featuring a scene where a guy gets darts thrown at his dick, boy do we have good news for you!
  • We determined the Crypt Keeper was the king of punny dad jokes before dad jokes were a thing.
  • Did I mention Kathleen was annoyed with this movie?
  • Who knew that a Dennis Miller/Erika Eleniak/Angie Everhart vehicle wouldn’t do well?
  • Pete watched a documentary about the production of Bordello of Blood. Also, apparently there’s a documentary about Bordello of Blood.
  • We all share a surprisingly fond appreciation for Corey Feldman.
  • The cast likely set a new record for mentions of the word “boobs” and its variants.
  • As there are Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans among the cast, we inevitably discuss vampire lore. This movie’s adherence to said lore is… spotty.
  • Perhaps some of the best exploding vampire scenes since From Dusk Till Dawn.
  • We almost try to make an argument that the movie is empowering to women but can’t do it with a straight face.
  • Frequency of the word “penis” and it’s variants (wang, dong, etc) is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed.
  • Six Pack Ratings:
    • Kathleen: 5
    • Troy: 3
    • Pete: 3
    • Dave: 3
  • Seriously guys, Kathleen was very annoyed with this movie.

Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP031 – Bordello of Blood (1996)
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EP030 – The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953)

Highlights from Episode 30:

  • Whelp. It’s Troy’s Birthday month, so this is HIS fault. And now everyone else hates him.
  • Dr. Seuss should maybe stick with the books.
  • German words should always be shouted.
  • Beers this month were supplied to us by the Forbidden Root brewery out of Chicago, who will soon be opening a restaurant and brewery in Columbus. Not only did that totally rule, but now we’re expecting other breweries to step it up! (where are you at, CBC?! You gonna let these Chicagoans show you how it’s done??!)
  • It’s amazing how little we actually talk about the movie considering we ramble on for almost 2 hours.
  • We drink a beer called Snoochie Boochies and freaking love it.
  • We bring in an actual piano teacher to defend her profession against this movie who teaches us all about ninja musicals.
  • Troy is sick during the recording, so enjoy listening to him try and keep from hocking into the mic for 2 hours.
  • Six Pack Ratings:
    • Jodi: 6
    • Kathleen: 5
    • Pete: 5
    • Dave: 5
    • Troy: 5

Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP030 - The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953)
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EP029 – The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)

The Incredible Shrinking Woman movie Poster

Highlights from Episode 28:

  • Joel Schumacher’s feature film debut and not a single batsuit nipple in sight.
  • Spaghetti Arms: the psychological phenomenon of confusing two people that share the same first name (e.g., Patrick Stewart vs Patrick Swayze, Christopher Walken vs Christopher Lloyd, etc).
  • Kathleen needs ten minutes to give the six minute synopsis.
  • We sample some fun beers from Streetside Brewery out of Cincinnati:
    • Bert Got Dum: A raspberry lemon wedding cake milkshake IPA with the lemon drop hop. Also, “wedding cake milkshake lemon drop hop” sounds like a complicated 1950s dance craze.
    • F*** It We’ll do it Lime: a key lime pie gose. (Goose? Goes? Goze? Gooze?)
  • Shockingly nobody hated this movie!
  • We all agree Lily Tomlin is a national treasure.
  • This movie has a great many layers of symbolism and social commentary on unregulated chemical manufacturing, rampant consumerism, irresponsible marketing, gender roles in patriarchal society, and the concept of mental load. Also, we may have been drinking.
  • Dave learns not every clam chowder joke is funny.
  • Nobody likes when Pete (or anyone) says “creamy mouthfeel.”
  • Equally gross is a character’s suggestion of having “an open mind and an open mouth.”
  • We discuss whether sex works when one partner is 8 inches tall and the other is Charles Grodin. The phrase “hugging a telephone pole” is used, and no one is happy about it.
  • Replacing Troy’s regular coffee with Folger’s Flavor Crystals may end very poorly.
  • When it comes to what’s going on in her kitchen, Kathleen is a clueless 1950s husband.
  • Kathleen learns Bulgogi is a real thing.
  • The theme song for the fictional product “Galaxy Glue” is a hateful, hateful ear worm.
  • Six pack ratings:
    • Kathleen: 2
    • Troy: 1
    • Pete: 2
    • Dave: 2
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP029 - The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981)
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EP028 – The Avengers (1998)

The Avengers (1998)

Highlights from Episode 28:

  • Once again, our listeners chose this horrible movie for us via online poll. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…
  • The cast tries to avoid talking about the movie by discussing more pleasant topics, like what happens to your poop after eating beets.
  • Our awesome friends at GBBMN Australia managed to provide us with wonderful beer from Kaiju Brewing that definitely did not involve illegally transporting beer across state and international borders or smuggling things in rectums.
  • Troy attempts an Australian accent. Troy should not attempt an Australian accent.
  • We learn all critical reviews of The Avengers (1998) fall embarrassingly short of the actual viewing experience.
  • Can you pronounce the word “herbaceous?” Pete can’t!
  • Seriously, the movie sucked so bad we did everything we could to keep from talking about it.
  • Watching The Avengers (1998) is analogous to trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle except
    • 25% of the pieces are missing
    • the picture on the box is different than the puzzle
    • someone is stabbing you.
  • Eddie Izzard is criminally underutilized in this film.
  • We may be drunk by the end.
  • Leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, then send us your address to get a sticker!
  • Ratings:
    • Kathleen: 5
    • Troy: 6
    • Pete: 5
    • Dave: 5
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
Good Beer Bad Movie Night
EP028 - The Avengers (1998)
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