We are joined by Donna who, being a Jeremy Renner fan, actually saw this movie in the theater.
We all appreciate the high production quality of the movie, use of awesome production design, practical effects, creature design, and on-location shoots, which is why we were puzzled by the choice to make the witch’s gingerbread house look like a giant candy butthole.
Dave spends a little too much time talking about historical context for a movie that features head-stomping trolls and an automatic crossbow.
Evidently the moral of the original Grimm’s Hansel and Gretel story is “Don’t trust your parents because they’ll feed you to a cannibal in the woods.”
We somehow suspend disbelief enough to allow for a collapsible spring-loaded shotgun shooting bullets that split into smaller bullets, but not enough to allow for the use of insulin shots 80 years before it was used medically.
The movie’s ending implies the possibility of a sequel. With the ending of the current Avenger’s arc, Jeremy Renner’s availability might be open…? Do we want this?
The cast enjoyed a few tasty beverages. Pete’s earnest attempt to describe one beer goes sideways, as apparently he can’t say “billowing in your mouth, coating everything” without us giggling like idiots.
A movie with Robbie Coltrane, Liam Neeson, and a golden, five-pointed, razor-tipped boomerang of awesomeness still managed to suck.
Highlights from Episode 35:
Dave not only monumentally flubs the synopsis, but manages to go 41 seconds over the allotted six minute time limit. Consequently he was forced to sing a rather undignified song, much to the delight of Pete and Troy.
Due to losing his voice during some kind of boating mishap, Pete is unable to speak above a hoarse whisper, much to the relief disappointment of the rest of the cast.
Japa: a Milk chai stout at 5.1% ABV. The bottle says “drink this beer fresh,” which we did not. (Sorry, Rod.)
An American live-action movie adaptation of the Japanese anime/comic title The Guyver: Biobooster Armor, we suspect the filmmakers understood neither original material nor American audiences. Or they didn’t care, and just wanted to use this crappy film as a vehicle to showcase their (admittedly impressive) creature effects.
Despite appearing prominently on the movie poster, Mark Hamill does not play The Guyver. If you can’t trust a movie poster of alive-action adaptation of an animated feature based on a comic book, what can you trust?
Kathleen recalls the good old college days when she used to hang out with a bunch of ridiculous boys. Evidently times have not changed.
All situations are improved by shouting “GUYVER! BIO BOOSTER ARMOR!” randomly and without warning.
Dave went through a phase in college when he would shout everything he was doing as though it were an anime-style special attack.
Letting our sadistic listeners choose our movie has become something of a March tradition here at Good Beer Bad Movie Night. This year’s options were carefully selected to ensure groan-worthy fun without sending Kathleen into an apoplectic rage.
Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
Plot: A data courier, literally carrying a data package inside his head, must deliver it before he dies from the burden or is killed by the Yakuza.
Ever see Henry Rollins fight Dolph Lundgren? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA!
Plot: In a dystopian future, Joseph Dredd, the most famous Judge (a police officer with instant field judiciary powers), is convicted for a crime he did not commit and must face his murderous counterpart.
Pete is absolutely thrilled with this month’s movie selection. Kathleen however, may struggle to speak to Jen in a civil tone for a while.
Released the same year, this movie clearly hoped to capitalize on the marketing campaign behind Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
Jen offers her historical expertise, helpfully pointing out a few historical inaccuracies. You know, in case we doubted the veracity of Roosevelt storming the beach at Normandy in a rocket-launching wheelchair to fight polio-spreading Nazi werewolves.
We were unable to confirm whether Winston Churchill referred to the Irish as “potato fuckers,” if Mussolini was planning to open a chain of Olive Gardens, or if James Roosevelt shat in a flower vase after his father won the 1932 presidential election.
We did learn James Roosevelt may not have actually taken a celebratory shit in a flower vase upon his father’s 1932 presidential victory. (It was this scene when Kathleen began levitating on pure rage at having to watch the movie.)
Kathleen’s notes consisted of variations on “I hate this fucking movie” over and over again.
Is it historically respectable to refer to George Washington as G-Dubs?
Jen, who hates the taste of alcohol, agrees to sample a beer. It goes about as well as expected.
Speaking of alcohol, high ABV beers + rage drinking = Kathleen hilarity.
Did you know there’s an academic conference dedicated to popular culture where professors and grad students gather and dork out? We didn’t! Please visit the The Popular Culture Association website for more details!
One may accurately determine the amount of gratuitous female nudity a movie contains based upon Kathleen’s level of annoyance. For example, Kathleen said the word “stupid” no fewer than 8 times within the first two minutes.
Pete needs ten minutes to give the six minute synopsis, so either Pete can’t count or we need to rename the six minute synopsis.
We sample some wonderful (and much needed) beers from our generous friends at Wolf’s Ridge Brewing, including:
Snow Cone Extra Pale Ale
Daybreak Coffee Vanilla Cream Ale
This movie was to be the second part of a Tales from the Crypt movie trilogy, and was apparently bad enough to more or less end the franchise.
If you feel like there aren’t enough movies featuring a scene where a guy gets darts thrown at his dick, boy do we have good news for you!
We determined the Crypt Keeper was the king of punny dad jokes before dad jokes were a thing.
Did I mention Kathleen was annoyed with this movie?
Who knew that a Dennis Miller/Erika Eleniak/Angie Everhart vehicle wouldn’t do well?
Pete watched a documentary about the production of Bordello of Blood. Also, apparently there’s a documentary about Bordello of Blood.
We all share a surprisingly fond appreciation for Corey Feldman.
The cast likely set a new record for mentions of the word “boobs” and its variants.
As there are Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans among the cast, we inevitably discuss vampire lore. This movie’s adherence to said lore is… spotty.
Perhaps some of the best exploding vampire scenes since From Dusk Till Dawn.
We almost try to make an argument that the movie is empowering to women but can’t do it with a straight face.
Frequency of the word “penis” and it’s variants (wang, dong, etc) is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed.
Six Pack Ratings:
Seriously guys, Kathleen was very annoyed with this movie.
Whelp. It’s Troy’s Birthday month, so this is HIS fault. And now everyone else hates him.
Dr. Seuss should maybe stick with the books.
German words should always be shouted.
Beers this month were supplied to us by the Forbidden Root brewery out of Chicago, who will soon be opening a restaurant and brewery in Columbus. Not only did that totally rule, but now we’re expecting other breweries to step it up! (where are you at, CBC?! You gonna let these Chicagoans show you how it’s done??!)
It’s amazing how little we actually talk about the movie considering we ramble on for almost 2 hours.
We drink a beer called Snoochie Boochies and freaking love it.
We bring in an actual piano teacher to defend her profession against this movie who teaches us all about ninja musicals.
Troy is sick during the recording, so enjoy listening to him try and keep from hocking into the mic for 2 hours.