It’s the most shocking episode of GBBMN ever, as the crew review not one. Not TWO! BUT THREE short films for our Independence Month show…which all culminates in a surprising confession from Kathleen.
Highlights from Episode 39
The first short we discuss, a cartoon made by friend of the show Mark Bailey, is called It Came From The East River It is a multiple award winner. Not a phrase you will usually associate with films reviewed by GBBMN.
The next short, CandyLand, is also by a friend of the show, this time a brother of the son of a cousin of Pete (or something like that) made a student film that actually turned out pretty damned good.
You know, as much as we bitch about these polls, you would think that we’d stop making them. But NOPE! Here we are again. Polling you…our sadistic audience…to choose our next form of torture. And this time? We’re being tortured by SUPERHEROES!
The cast reviews the winner of last month’s poll: Country Strong, starring Gwynneth Paltrow, Tim McGraw, eighton Meester, and Garrett Hedlund. On a related note, we may not be doing any more polls, as it’s clear our listeners are cruel, cruel monsters.
Highlights from Episode 37
Did you know Kathleen hates Gwynneth Paltrow?
Everyone in the main cast sings except Tim McGraw, who is the only professional singer. In a movie about country music.
The movie is darker and much more melodramatic than the cast is accustomed to. Well, darker anyway.
One of the main characters is named Beau Hutton. Get it? Bow Hunting? Sigh.
Is it possible to discuss Gwynneth Paltrow without mentioning candles, steaming, or stones in relation to lady parts?
Invoking George Carlin, Dave brings up whether dressing in a cowboy hat and boots is a costume akin to wearing a viking outfit.
We are joined by Donna who, being a Jeremy Renner fan, actually saw this movie in the theater.
We all appreciate the high production quality of the movie, use of awesome production design, practical effects, creature design, and on-location shoots, which is why we were puzzled by the choice to make the witch’s gingerbread house look like a giant candy butthole.
Dave spends a little too much time talking about historical context for a movie that features head-stomping trolls and an automatic crossbow.
Evidently the moral of the original Grimm’s Hansel and Gretel story is “Don’t trust your parents because they’ll feed you to a cannibal in the woods.”
We somehow suspend disbelief enough to allow for a collapsible spring-loaded shotgun shooting bullets that split into smaller bullets, but not enough to allow for the use of insulin shots 80 years before it was used medically.
The movie’s ending implies the possibility of a sequel. With the ending of the current Avenger’s arc, Jeremy Renner’s availability might be open…? Do we want this?
The cast enjoyed a few tasty beverages. Pete’s earnest attempt to describe one beer goes sideways, as apparently he can’t say “billowing in your mouth, coating everything” without us giggling like idiots.
A movie with Robbie Coltrane, Liam Neeson, and a golden, five-pointed, razor-tipped boomerang of awesomeness still managed to suck.
Highlights from Episode 35:
Dave not only monumentally flubs the synopsis, but manages to go 41 seconds over the allotted six minute time limit. Consequently he was forced to sing a rather undignified song, much to the delight of Pete and Troy.
Due to losing his voice during some kind of boating mishap, Pete is unable to speak above a hoarse whisper, much to the relief disappointment of the rest of the cast.
Japa: a Milk chai stout at 5.1% ABV. The bottle says “drink this beer fresh,” which we did not. (Sorry, Rod.)
An American live-action movie adaptation of the Japanese anime/comic title The Guyver: Biobooster Armor, we suspect the filmmakers understood neither original material nor American audiences. Or they didn’t care, and just wanted to use this crappy film as a vehicle to showcase their (admittedly impressive) creature effects.
Despite appearing prominently on the movie poster, Mark Hamill does not play The Guyver. If you can’t trust a movie poster of alive-action adaptation of an animated feature based on a comic book, what can you trust?
Kathleen recalls the good old college days when she used to hang out with a bunch of ridiculous boys. Evidently times have not changed.
All situations are improved by shouting “GUYVER! BIO BOOSTER ARMOR!” randomly and without warning.
Dave went through a phase in college when he would shout everything he was doing as though it were an anime-style special attack.
Letting our sadistic listeners choose our movie has become something of a March tradition here at Good Beer Bad Movie Night. This year’s options were carefully selected to ensure groan-worthy fun without sending Kathleen into an apoplectic rage.
Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
Plot: A data courier, literally carrying a data package inside his head, must deliver it before he dies from the burden or is killed by the Yakuza.
Ever see Henry Rollins fight Dolph Lundgren? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA!
Plot: In a dystopian future, Joseph Dredd, the most famous Judge (a police officer with instant field judiciary powers), is convicted for a crime he did not commit and must face his murderous counterpart.
Pete is absolutely thrilled with this month’s movie selection. Kathleen however, may struggle to speak to Jen in a civil tone for a while.
Released the same year, this movie clearly hoped to capitalize on the marketing campaign behind Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
Jen offers her historical expertise, helpfully pointing out a few historical inaccuracies. You know, in case we doubted the veracity of Roosevelt storming the beach at Normandy in a rocket-launching wheelchair to fight polio-spreading Nazi werewolves.
We were unable to confirm whether Winston Churchill referred to the Irish as “potato fuckers,” if Mussolini was planning to open a chain of Olive Gardens, or if James Roosevelt shat in a flower vase after his father won the 1932 presidential election.
We did learn James Roosevelt may not have actually taken a celebratory shit in a flower vase upon his father’s 1932 presidential victory. (It was this scene when Kathleen began levitating on pure rage at having to watch the movie.)
Kathleen’s notes consisted of variations on “I hate this fucking movie” over and over again.
Is it historically respectable to refer to George Washington as G-Dubs?
Jen, who hates the taste of alcohol, agrees to sample a beer. It goes about as well as expected.
Speaking of alcohol, high ABV beers + rage drinking = Kathleen hilarity.
Did you know there’s an academic conference dedicated to popular culture where professors and grad students gather and dork out? We didn’t! Please visit the The Popular Culture Association website for more details!