A movie with Robbie Coltrane, Liam Neeson, and a golden, five-pointed, razor-tipped boomerang of awesomeness still managed to suck.
Highlights from Episode 35:
Dave not only monumentally flubs the synopsis, but manages to go 41 seconds over the allotted six minute time limit. Consequently he was forced to sing a rather undignified song, much to the delight of Pete and Troy.
Due to losing his voice during some kind of boating mishap, Pete is unable to speak above a hoarse whisper, much to the relief disappointment of the rest of the cast.
Japa: a Milk chai stout at 5.1% ABV. The bottle says “drink this beer fresh,” which we did not. (Sorry, Rod.)
An American live-action movie adaptation of the Japanese anime/comic title The Guyver: Biobooster Armor, we suspect the filmmakers understood neither original material nor American audiences. Or they didn’t care, and just wanted to use this crappy film as a vehicle to showcase their (admittedly impressive) creature effects.
Despite appearing prominently on the movie poster, Mark Hamill does not play The Guyver. If you can’t trust a movie poster of alive-action adaptation of an animated feature based on a comic book, what can you trust?
Kathleen recalls the good old college days when she used to hang out with a bunch of ridiculous boys. Evidently times have not changed.
All situations are improved by shouting “GUYVER! BIO BOOSTER ARMOR!” randomly and without warning.
Dave went through a phase in college when he would shout everything he was doing as though it were an anime-style special attack.
Letting our sadistic listeners choose our movie has become something of a March tradition here at Good Beer Bad Movie Night. This year’s options were carefully selected to ensure groan-worthy fun without sending Kathleen into an apoplectic rage.
Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
Plot: A data courier, literally carrying a data package inside his head, must deliver it before he dies from the burden or is killed by the Yakuza.
Ever see Henry Rollins fight Dolph Lundgren? ‘CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA!
Plot: In a dystopian future, Joseph Dredd, the most famous Judge (a police officer with instant field judiciary powers), is convicted for a crime he did not commit and must face his murderous counterpart.
Pete is absolutely thrilled with this month’s movie selection. Kathleen however, may struggle to speak to Jen in a civil tone for a while.
Released the same year, this movie clearly hoped to capitalize on the marketing campaign behind Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)
Jen offers her historical expertise, helpfully pointing out a few historical inaccuracies. You know, in case we doubted the veracity of Roosevelt storming the beach at Normandy in a rocket-launching wheelchair to fight polio-spreading Nazi werewolves.
We were unable to confirm whether Winston Churchill referred to the Irish as “potato fuckers,” if Mussolini was planning to open a chain of Olive Gardens, or if James Roosevelt shat in a flower vase after his father won the 1932 presidential election.
We did learn James Roosevelt may not have actually taken a celebratory shit in a flower vase upon his father’s 1932 presidential victory. (It was this scene when Kathleen began levitating on pure rage at having to watch the movie.)
Kathleen’s notes consisted of variations on “I hate this fucking movie” over and over again.
Is it historically respectable to refer to George Washington as G-Dubs?
Jen, who hates the taste of alcohol, agrees to sample a beer. It goes about as well as expected.
Speaking of alcohol, high ABV beers + rage drinking = Kathleen hilarity.
Did you know there’s an academic conference dedicated to popular culture where professors and grad students gather and dork out? We didn’t! Please visit the The Popular Culture Association website for more details!
One may accurately determine the amount of gratuitous female nudity a movie contains based upon Kathleen’s level of annoyance. For example, Kathleen said the word “stupid” no fewer than 8 times within the first two minutes.
Pete needs ten minutes to give the six minute synopsis, so either Pete can’t count or we need to rename the six minute synopsis.
We sample some wonderful (and much needed) beers from our generous friends at Wolf’s Ridge Brewing, including:
Snow Cone Extra Pale Ale
Daybreak Coffee Vanilla Cream Ale
This movie was to be the second part of a Tales from the Crypt movie trilogy, and was apparently bad enough to more or less end the franchise.
If you feel like there aren’t enough movies featuring a scene where a guy gets darts thrown at his dick, boy do we have good news for you!
We determined the Crypt Keeper was the king of punny dad jokes before dad jokes were a thing.
Did I mention Kathleen was annoyed with this movie?
Who knew that a Dennis Miller/Erika Eleniak/Angie Everhart vehicle wouldn’t do well?
Pete watched a documentary about the production of Bordello of Blood. Also, apparently there’s a documentary about Bordello of Blood.
We all share a surprisingly fond appreciation for Corey Feldman.
The cast likely set a new record for mentions of the word “boobs” and its variants.
As there are Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans among the cast, we inevitably discuss vampire lore. This movie’s adherence to said lore is… spotty.
Perhaps some of the best exploding vampire scenes since From Dusk Till Dawn.
We almost try to make an argument that the movie is empowering to women but can’t do it with a straight face.
Frequency of the word “penis” and it’s variants (wang, dong, etc) is directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed.
Six Pack Ratings:
Seriously guys, Kathleen was very annoyed with this movie.
Whelp. It’s Troy’s Birthday month, so this is HIS fault. And now everyone else hates him.
Dr. Seuss should maybe stick with the books.
German words should always be shouted.
Beers this month were supplied to us by the Forbidden Root brewery out of Chicago, who will soon be opening a restaurant and brewery in Columbus. Not only did that totally rule, but now we’re expecting other breweries to step it up! (where are you at, CBC?! You gonna let these Chicagoans show you how it’s done??!)
It’s amazing how little we actually talk about the movie considering we ramble on for almost 2 hours.
We drink a beer called Snoochie Boochies and freaking love it.
We bring in an actual piano teacher to defend her profession against this movie who teaches us all about ninja musicals.
Troy is sick during the recording, so enjoy listening to him try and keep from hocking into the mic for 2 hours.
Bert Got Dum: A raspberry lemon wedding cake milkshake IPA with the lemon drop hop. Also, “wedding cake milkshake lemon drop hop” sounds like a complicated 1950s dance craze.
F*** It We’ll do it Lime: a key lime pie gose. (Goose? Goes? Goze? Gooze?)
Shockingly nobody hated this movie!
We all agree Lily Tomlin is a national treasure.
This movie has a great many layers of symbolism and social commentary on unregulated chemical manufacturing, rampant consumerism, irresponsible marketing, gender roles in patriarchal society, and the concept of mental load. Also, we may have been drinking.
Dave learns not every clam chowder joke is funny.
Nobody likes when Pete (or anyone) says “creamy mouthfeel.”
Equally gross is a character’s suggestion of having “an open mind and an open mouth.”
We discuss whether sex works when one partner is 8 inches tall and the other is Charles Grodin. The phrase “hugging a telephone pole” is used, and no one is happy about it.
Replacing Troy’s regular coffee with Folger’s Flavor Crystals may end very poorly.
When it comes to what’s going on in her kitchen, Kathleen is a clueless 1950s husband.
Once again, our listeners chose this horrible movie for us via online poll. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…
The cast tries to avoid talking about the movie by discussing more pleasant topics, like what happens to your poop after eating beets.
Our awesome friends at GBBMN Australia managed to provide us with wonderful beer from Kaiju Brewing that definitely did not involve illegally transporting beer across state and international borders or smuggling things in rectums.
Troy attempts an Australian accent. Troy should not attempt an Australian accent.
We learn all critical reviews of The Avengers (1998) fall embarrassingly short of the actual viewing experience.
Can you pronounce the word “herbaceous?” Pete can’t!
Seriously, the movie sucked so bad we did everything we could to keep from talking about it.
Watching The Avengers (1998) is analogous to trying to assemble a jigsaw puzzle except
25% of the pieces are missing
the picture on the box is different than the puzzle
someone is stabbing you.
Eddie Izzard is criminally underutilized in this film.
The first Good Beer Bad Movie Night movie poll did so well we thought we’d subject ourselves to further punishment. Once again we invite you, our dear listeners, to choose the next cinematic outrage to foist upon our trembling cast.
Attack of the 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012)
Plot: Aspiring college cheerleader, Cassie Stratford consumes an experimental drug that grants her beauty and enough athletic ability to make the cheer squad. The drug has an unforeseen side effect – Cassie starts to grow and grow and grow.
Athletes will go to such lengths to improve performance. Tsk tsk.
Plot: A mercenary with a three-bladed sword rediscovers his royal heritage’s dangerous future when he is recruited to help a princess foil the designs of a brutal tyrant and a powerful sorcerer in conquering a land.